I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Randomize
