I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
