I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
