Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
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