I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
