last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I want a musical about memes.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
