Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
