alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
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