I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Randomize
