oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
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Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
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i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
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