I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
no. you can't hotbox the world.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
