I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
sex in a hospital.. check
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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