tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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