she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
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Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
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I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
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