Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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