Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
