Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
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