I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
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That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
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I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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