Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
i've created a new STD.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
