I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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