FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
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