When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
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