I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
