i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
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