i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
