Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
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