I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
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