Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
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