I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
You're breaking my sexual little heart
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