To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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