I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize
