ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
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I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
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Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
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