im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
i can't believe i had my finger in that
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Randomize
