I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
