omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
