The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Sext me about skeletons
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Randomize
