Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
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