Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Randomize
