I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
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