I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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