i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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