i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
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