i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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