there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
