i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Who died my cat blue again?
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
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