one two three fourrrrnication!
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
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