and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
