I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Randomize
