I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
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