There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
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