Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I just found puke in my bra..
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
