my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Don't tell me you're on acid again
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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