he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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