tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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