Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
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