Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
