I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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