wanna go halves on a baby?
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Randomize
